BIGOTS AGAINST RACISM 

A black female student at the University of Pennsylvania was asked to leave a meeting of the White Women Against Racism, because she was black. Director of the Women's Center, Elena DiLapi, said her group believes racism "is a white problem and we have a responsibility as white women to do what we can to eradicate it." 

HE DEFINITELY DID NOT HAVE A GRIP ON HIS SITUATION

In September of 1992, after a home burglary in Bristol, England, police were called to investigate. While one officer walked about the property looking for any forgotten or lost identification, the burglar lost his balance on an overhanging tree limb and crashed down on the officer's head.  

BETTER READ THIS ONE A TIME OR TWO

Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the United States, was a firm believer in free speech. During one exhortation in Japan in 1983, he reaffirmed even more emphatically his belief in free speech. But he also asked that the entire speech be off-the-record. 

PERHAPS, EVENTUALLY, HE'LL DRESS LIKE A CONVICT, TOO

Bert Hudson was a movie-theater owner in Salem, Oregon, in April of 1986, when he offered free admission to the movie Young Sherlock Holmes to those dressed as a Hollywood film star. This allowed at least 400 costumed movie-goers to enjoy a free movie. But one, dressed as Edward G. Robinson, got more than a free showing. He pulled a gun and had the safe emptied before "going on the lam". 

RUB-A-DUB-DUB, CHUG-A-LUG

In 1982 Lever Brothers Company began offering Sun Light dishwashing liquid with lemon juice added. This caused some consumers to think it safe to add to iced tea and other beverages. According to Maryland's Poison Center, this resulted in the poisonings of at least 80 people.  

THEY FORGOT, IT'S ONLY A GAME

Richard Stevens, 51, took his 12-year-old son to the New Berlin Hills golf course in Wisconsin to play a round. As they progressed around the course, a group of golfers following them got impatient, and words were exchanged. After a couple of more holes, things really got out of hand when the senior Stevens went into the woods to retrieve his ball. That's when the angry players followed and stomped him to death.

IGNORANCE IS SO CHEAP ANYBODY CAN OWN IT 

Seventy-three-year-old Jim Motloutsi, a witch doctor of sorts, was living in the tiny village of Mmatobolo in Northern Province, South Africa, when his neighbors decided he was guilty of killing a 60-year-old woman. First they stoned him. Next they put a car tire around his neck, soaked it and him with gasoline and set all afire for the old man to experience a horrible death. Add to that, he was totally innocent. The woman who had died was struck by lightening, an act of God, not a witch doctor's curse. 

HE MUST'VE CONFUSED ROBBERY WITH MONEY-LAUNDERING?

Manassas, Virginia, resident Dennis Sullivan, age 23, decided to rob an armored truck, even though he apparently had no idea how to do same. In his first and only attempt, instead of pulling his sawed-off shotgun on an armored truck driver, he ended up sticking his gun to the head of a laundry truck driver, who gave him a bag full of dirty laundry, instead of a bag of money. The thief must've learned of his mistake soon. The bag of soiled laundry was found less than a block away. 

BET THIS ATTORNEY STILL CRIED ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK

Prosecutors in the murder case of Cleophus Prince, Jr., 26, showed a videotape of the victim to emphasize the tragedy of her death. Among the people in the courtroom overcome by emotion while watching the tape was Prince's attorney, whose loud sobbing prompted the judge to call a recess. (The jury later sentenced Prince to be executed.)                  

JUST IN CASE YOU EVER WONDERED

The word ghetto goes back to the 16th century. Around 1516 the city leaders of Venice, Italy, decreed all Jewish citizens must leave that city and take up residences on the isle of Geto. As time went by, the idea to sequester those of the Jewish belief caught on all over Europe. Even though today's ghettos segregate people by ethnicity and income, back then it meant a Jewish section of a community.

SHE LET FEAR BLIND HER JUDGMENT 

Twenty-two-year-old Susu Borai Mohammad, an Egyptian farmer worker, accidentally swallowed several ants floating in her drinking water. Afraid the ants might sting her insides, Susu drank insecticide, causing her to develop diarrhea, then convulsions. She died before reaching hospital in the Qena district of Cairo.  

GOOD THING HE DIDN'T BUY TWO ROTTWEILERS 

By June of 1992 Bill Holland of Dale Abby, England, had become so worried about thieves breaking into his shop, he bought a $450 Rottweiler guard dog. And he had a right to worry. Only a few nights later, thieves did break into his shop, but they stole none of Holland's gear valued at $15,000. Instead, they stole his Rottweiler.

ICE CREAM, CANDY, CASH, ALL AT ONE CONVENIENT LOCATION

After Los Angeles ice cream vendor Victorino A. Parades, 55, was beaten to death by several youths, an estimated two dozen witnesses rushed forward to steal all his ice cream, candy and cash. (Just beneath society's thin veneer of civility exists creatures no less or more than common cockroaches.) 

THOSE SQUIRRELS WERE COMMUNITY PROPERTY TOO

Kao Khae Saephan, 26, was a Laotian living in Sacramento, California, in 1991, when he took six frozen squirrels (squirrels are a delicacy in Laos) from his freezer, in preparations for leaving his Vietnamese wife, Muong, 28. His mistake was swinging one of the frozen squirrels over his head, causing her to jump back and cut her head. This caused him to soon be arrested for "spousal abuse". 

HERE'S HOW A FLY DESTROYED AN 18-WHEELER, AND MORE  

Arthur Tiffit was driving his large truck just outside Broadus, Montana, when a fly flew into the cab, then into his yawning mouth. This made Tiffit lose control of his big-rig, causing it to crash. It also killed his 51-year-old wife. 

THEY'D RATHER GET HIGH ON SUGAR IN THEIR BREAKFAST CEREALS

Several years ago the U.S. government ran the anti-drug TV commercial "this is your brain on drugs", showing chicken eggs frying in a skillet. In turn, this caused small children all over the country to begin refusing to eat eggs, fearing they were all laced with drugs.

PERHAPS THEY SHOULD PRAY TO GET THE LEAD OUT?

Dr. Margaret T. Taylor, an Australian physician, found the lead poisoning of an eight-year-old girl was caused by kissing her rosary beads, and now feels the cause of widespread anemia among nuns and devout Catholics is probably caused by this source of lead. 

WHY ISN'T A FOOTBALL TEAM CALLED THE TEXAS HORSE THIEVES?                   

Ever wonder why a football team is called the Oklahoma Sooners? For a period before the great Oklahoma Territory Land Grab in 1889, the United States closed its borders temporarily to give all land seekers a fair chance. But some broke that law and snuck in sooner, giving them first pick.

THREE MORE QUICK FACTS

(1) The international Netaji Subhash Airport in Calcutta, India, is called Dum Dum. (2) The first American magazine (1741) was called American Magazine. (3) King George I of England (1714-1727) was German. He could not speak a word of English.

YOU GO FIGURE?

In May of 1995, thieves broke into a discount store in Kenilworth, England, and stole 60 tubes of toothpaste only. More oddly, it was the tenth time that type of robbery had occurred during that year. A spokesman said, "I cannot see there being a black market for toothpaste." No one was ever caught, nor any rational reason figured for that repeated crime. 

HE SLIPPED AWAY FASTER THAN INTENDED

Kourosh Bakhtiari, 21, attempted to escape from a New York City correctional center by braiding together fifteen rolls of waxed dental floss to make a rope. Unfortunately, the 190 pound would-be-escapee forgot to wear gloves. The friction cut tendons and ligaments in both his hands, leaving him, for a while, unable to even pick up a fork to feed himself.  

PERHAPS HE'D DO BETTER AT HOLDUPS... OR TYING HIS SHOES?

When Carlos Carrasco, 24, broke through the roof of a San Antonio, Texas, liquor store in 1992, he was already so drunk he cut his hand badly crawling down through the hole. Once on the floor, he tried throwing whisky bottles up through the hole in the roof, but they fell back and broke at his feet. Next, he tried crawling back up through the hole, but lost his grip, and landed back on the floor on the broken glass, cutting himself on both hands and arms. Finally, on his next try he did pull himself up through the hole, only to have his wallet, containing all his ID, fall back inside. After police arrived, they found Carrasco's wallet and tracked a trail of blood several hundred feet right to his door. 

SHE'D STOLEN HIS HEART, BUT HE'D STOLEN SOMETHING ELSE

A Tennessee man, Winston Swaggerty, 32, wanted to get married as publicly as possible, so he and his lovely bride held their wedding on the lawn of the Newport County Courthouse. When the preacher declared, "If any man knows reason this couple should not be united, let him speak now or..." that's when a deputy sheriff recognized Mr. Swaggerty, walked up and handcuffed him on an outstanding theft warrant.

A SQUIRRELLY WAY TO DIE

Builder Seagan Dawe, 61, was working high atop a ladder in Quinton, Birmingham, England, when worker Patrick Dowling heard him shout, "Get away!" "Get away!" before falling to his death. A squirrel had leapt from a gutter and bitten Mr. Dawe on the face.

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"I KNOW HIM AS WELL AS I KNOW MY OWN..."

Kevin L. Jones was arrested in a Richmond, Virginia, police station when he came in to bail out a friend. His surprised face, looking at his own wanted poster on the wall, caught the attention of a police officer who booked him.

WONDER WHAT MADE THIS INELIGIBLE ELIGIBLE?

The Dallas Morning News reported in December 28, 2005, that 11-year Dallas Police veteran Ranson Finches, 37, had been arrested for assaulting his wife. Earlier that year, Officer Finches was suspended five days for being discourteous. He'd also been cited in the past for sleeping on duty, insubordination, interfering with process, filing a false report or citation, profane language and violating off-duty work policy. He quit in 1999, and was ineligible for rehire. In 2001, however, former Police Chief Terrell Bolton did rehire him.

IMPROVED AIM WITHOUT PUTTING A SCOPE ON YOUR RIFLE

In 1999, officials at Amsterdam International Airport etched the outline of a housefly inside and near the drain of each and all urinals in the men's rooms. These same authorities say this technique has reduced "urinal floor splatters and spillage" by 80%.

NOW HE CAN TAKE ANGER-MANAGEMENT COURSES FOR 20 YEARS

Arthur Roberts, a Brisbane, Australia, accountant, had a bad temper. One day, after accidentally erasing his company's sales figures from his computer, he took the machine and flung it through a glass window of his high-rise office. After falling several stories, it landed on pedestrian Peter Mullins, killing him. Mr. Roberts was soon arrested on a manslaughter charge. 

HE SHOULD'VE DRESSED LIKE A COW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRACKS

Soviet psychic E. Frenkel failed to stop a train with his powers. The train's engineer said Frenkel jumped onto the tracks with his arms raised and his head lowered just before the fast moving train crushed him to death. Pieces of a bloody note pad found on what was left of his body explained, "First I stopped a bicycle, cars and a streetcar. Now I'm going to stop a train."

HE DIED CLOWNING AROUND WITH AN ELEPHANT, KINDA

Marlon Pistol was a one-man clown show, entertaining mostly at children's birthday parties. One day, as he drove to a party along a California highway, the 20 foot balloon elephant he had folded on his car's back seat began to inflate. It filled the cab almost instantly, causing Pistol to crash, killing him.

"WHAT ARE YOU GIVING DAD FOR FATHER'S/VALENTINE'S DAY?"

"She's my sister, she's my daughter" are the memorable words spoken by Faye Dunaway to Jack Nicholson in the 1974 movie Chinatown, confessing an incestuous relationship with her father, John Houston's character. That same year, Jack Nicholson himself found out his "sister", sixteen years his senior, was really his mother. (Reported in Newsweek)

THESE CRABS AREN'T FOUND IN MOST SEAFOOD RESTAURANTS

The origin of the phrase "examine with a fine-tooth comb" goes back to the time before the availability of chemicals to treat head and body lice. In the old song Won't You Come Home, Bill Bailey? the words "I threw you out... with nothin' but a fine tooth comb" are referring to a case of the crabs.

GUESS THEY WEREN'T MEMBERS OF THE AFL-CIO

The government of China executed twelve male and six female factory managers by firing squad at a refrigerator plant outside Beijing in 1989 because the poor quality of their products constituted "unpardonable crimes against the people of China."

YEP, HE'S HAD 'HANDS ON' EXPERIENCE WITH LITTLE CHILDREN  

The British ambassador to the United States received a request in 1995 from Michael Jackson for British knighthood. When asked why he should be knighted, Mr. Jackson's representatives replied, "for his work with little children."

HE LOST HIS HEAD OVER GOOD MANNERS

James Chenault, age fifty-four, boarded an elevator at the Kingsbridge Welfare Center in the Bronx, New York. After bucking hard, then suddenly rising to the second floor, the elevator's door opened and Mr. Chenault made the gentlemanly gesture of holding it open with his body half-in and half-out for others to exit. That's when the elevator suddenly jerked upward, decapitated him. His head, still wearing headphones, fell back into the elevator with the three remaining passengers.

TOO BAD HE WASN'T WALKING TO PROMOTE LOVE 

Roger Russell began a 2,600-mile walk across South Africa in 1999 to promote crime prevention. Two days later, walking alone, he was robbed at gunpoint.

MEAL TO REMEMBER

For his twenty years of service to the community of Lakeland, Florida, James Moran was given a service pin and a certificate for a free dinner for two. Other workers in the past had spent between $34 and $60, but Moran and his fiancée ran up a bill of $511. This made his supervisor so angry he suspended Moran for two weeks and demoted him to a lower position, which paid $11,000 a year less. 

POOR KID

Returning from school, Norfolk, Virginia, teenager Kim Whiter discovered her father Keith had committed suicide. She called her mother Jacqueline, who left immediately for home. On the way, the BMW she was riding in hit a tree and burst into flames, killing her as well.

THAT WAS EASY COME (AND ALMOST AS) EASY GO

In 1983, Joseph R. Wyatt, age twenty-nine, bought a lottery ticket as usual, and was not surprised when he thought it another loser. In reality it was worth $1,600,000, if he hadn't already torn it in half, right between the words "Void if torn..." and "...or altered". Fortunately for Mr. Wyatt, the lotto commission allowed him to collect anyway. 

THIS ALLOWED THEM TO PLAY ANOTHER GAME: FUGITIVE

Terry Sledge, Brian Castleberry and Donald Bissel were bored cellmates in Faulkner County Jail, Arkansas, in 1994, until they were allowed to play Monopoly to pass their days. But instead of using the tiny game piece "wheelbarrow" to play, they used its sharp edge as a screw driver to escape through the air-duct cover.

SHE HAD A FIRM GRIP ON THAT SITUATION

In Bedford, Massachusetts, a 77-year-old wheelchair-confined woman was charged with murdering her husband. Before he died, the elderly man told police his wife had constantly beat him with her walking cane, as well as with other objects, and refused to let him sleep. When he dozed off, he said, she would grab his genitals, then pull, squeeze and twist them until he could no longer stand the pain. The autopsy noted his genitals were "swollen to the size of small balloons."

SOME MEN WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF SHOPPING

In December 1984 Deanna Baldesi, age 24, got all dressed up in her best party dress, then waited outside her Milan, Italy, apartment for a taxi. But as she waited, a man about 30 pulled to the curb and, knife in hand, made her get into his car. First driving to a park, he forced her to remove all her clothing, and then left her standing outside naked. Before driving away, however, he did explain to Ms. Baldesi that she looked exactly the same size as his girlfriend, who had "absolutely nothing to wear."

WHAT A NON-CRAPPY WAY TO DIE

Already known as 'a daredevil', Robbie Hanifer of Sydney, Australia, jumped at the chance, literately, to win a $1,500 prize by diving 30 feet into a large pile of horse manure. But it wasn't large enough, apparently. Hanifer missed the pile and later died from his injuries. 

THEY CUT-THE-CHEESE FOR ALL OF MANKIND 

Back in 1991 three scientists (Robert Harman, Karen Chin, Simon Brassell) published a paper postulating the atmosphere we breathe today developed as a result of the methane gas created millions of years ago during the Cretaceous period, by dinosaur flatulence.

UUUUUUHHHHH... HOW'S THAT AGAIN?

While Public Television viewers in twelve cities watched doctors in Philadelphia reconstruct fifteen-month-old Michele Miller's skull, during a delicate operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller, of Princeton, New Jersey, watched The Wizard of Oz on another channel.

HIS FORGOTTEN CERTIFICATE ENTITLED HIM TO AN ARREST WARRANT 

Approaching a teller inside a First Utah Bank, Johnny Miller, 32, pulled a gun from an envelope and demanded money. After he fled with $34,000, the envelope he left behind was examined and found to contain a certificate proving he had completed an anger management course run by Utah's Department of Corrections.

HE KILLED A WOMAN WITH HIS VOICE

Fifty-eight-year-old Claudia Sassi was attending her husband's funeral in Lyons, France, when she herself had a heart attack and fell over dead. A family friend, Jacques de Puton, was soon arrested. He told police he only meant to cheer mourners when he used his ventriloquist skills to make it appear a voice inside the closed casket was crying "Let me out!"

HE FOUND HIMSELF GOING IN CIRCLES

In March 1996, a 24-year-old man was robbed in his home by six thieves, who nailed one of his feet to the floor to stop him from attacking them. He was then left anchored in agony for several hours until a friend found him.

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THEY MADE HIM "TAG ALONG" TO JAIL

Reader's Digest tells of Jacob Wise, 18, a shoplifter in Tulsa, Oklahoma, who removed the security tags from several items of clothing, then tried to leave the store with them. That is, until the alarm system went off. Trying to leave no evidence of his caper, Wise had hidden all the removed tags in his coat pocket.

THE DR. WITH A GLASS NECK

Wade Morrison was a pharmacist's assistant in Virginia in the mid 1880s when he fell in love with his boss's daughter. Feeling that Morrison was too old for her, the pharmacist encouraged him to move on. Which he did, eventually buying a drug store in Waco, Texas. There, he hired a young man who developed a new flavor of soft drink syrup. Morrison not only marketed the syrup, but chose to name it after his old boss back in Virginia, Dr. Kenneth Pepper. 

IF YOU ARE A GAMBLER, HERE ARE THE AVERAGE WIN PERCENTAGES 

From Consumer's Research magazine: craps (98%) roulette (95%) slots (75-95%) jai alai (85-87%) race track (83-87%) lotto (49%). (0.000008% of 97 million people playing the lottery win a million dollars.)

HER FLYBOY FELL AND BROKE HER HEART

When Helga Fischer entered a Bonn, Germany, hospital for minor surgery, her husband knew she was worried. To cheer her up, this licensed pilot rented a Cessna 150, then flew around the hospital pulling a huge red-lettered banner stating: "Get well soon, Helga." While smiling and waving from her window, Helga watched the love of her life make one last turn, clip a tree top, then crash to his death. (Helga was next moved to intensive care, lost in total shock.) 

"NOSE CANDY" CAN MAKE ONE STUPID                            

Christopher Plovie, on trial for Drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, protested his body had been searched without a warrant, making his arrest illegal. The prosecution claimed a bulge observed under his jacket could have been a gun. To this remark, Mr. Plovie, who was wearing the same jacket in court, handed it to the judge for inspection, to prove the material and cut would not allow a bulge to show. But while examining one of its pockets, the judge found a plastic baggy of cocaine.

HOW MANY OF ELVIS PRESLEY'S HITS DID HE HIMSELF WRITE?

None. Even though Elvis' name appears as co-writer on much of his music, that's only because his manager, Col. Tom Parker, demanded songwriters give "his boy" credit, and half the royalties, or Elvis would not use their music. 

HOW TO INSULT PEOPLE AND NOT MAKE FRIENDS

While her husband was President, Nancy Reagan visited Kuala Lumpur, and was invited to have tea with the Queen of Malaysia. Mrs. Reagan's entourage was told she should not wear clothing which was yellow or blue because those were the royal colors, and not to wear white because it was a funeral color. Somehow misinformed, the First Lady arrived for tea wearing a white dress, with blue flowers, blue shoes and a blue straw hat.

PERHAPS HE PUT HIS PHONE ON "CALL FORWARDING?"

In Eastling, Sussex, England, a doctor committed suicide, but not before leaving this message on his answering machine - "Sorry I can't come to the phone at this time because I am dead."

ISN'T EVERYONE RETARDED/CRAZY WHO TAKES ANOTHER'S LIFE?

In July of 2004, The Dallas Morning News reported convicted murderer Robert Smith had received a commuted sentence, removing him from death row, because he was deemed retarded.  The News then added: "He (Robert Smith) will be moved to another prison unit to serve a life sentence and a 33-years sentence for aggravated robbery. He will be eligible for parole in about 10 years."  

THEY SNOOZE, THEY LOSE                                     

In July of 2005, Amarillo, Texas, residents Bobby Reynolds, 74, and son Gary, 43, got their car stuck on the tracks at a local railroad crossing. According to the Amarillo Globe-News, when the men were unable to push their car to safety, they crawled back inside and fell asleep. Later a train crashed into their vehicle, sending both to a hospital.

HE GOT ONE WISH TOO MANY

On his 18th birthday Austrian Helmut Mezer received both his driving license and the car of his dreams, a brand new BMW, with personalized license plates DEAD 1. A few days later this happy young man was estimated to have been driving over 100 mph when he lost control and was killed. 

LIFE MAGAZINE RETURNED, BUT HE DIDN'T

When Life Magazine printed its first issue in 1936 it featured a photo of newly born George Story, under the headline: "Life Begins." As years went by, Life would feature Mr. Story from time to time, showing how his life was evolving.  When the magazine announced it was shutting down in 2000, George Story had just had a fatal heart attack. This allowed the last issue to feature George under the headline: "A Life Ends."

SOMEBODY NEEDS TO SEND HIM TO HIS ROOM FOR THAT

A 10-year-old Houston boy shot his father, Edward Simon, 45, dead and wounded his mother Mary Simon, 47, with a .38-caliber revolver because they would not let him go outside and play.

PROVING IT DOESN'T TAKE MANY BRAINS TO COMMIT MURDER 

Teodor Tuca and Elena Sambursachi, both 65, were Romanian pensioners living in an apartment in Cluj when they were murdered and robbed by a gang of four 20-year-old thugs. Even more cruel, the young hoodlums destroyed the couple's eyes and slit their throats. When arrested and asked why, the young punks said they were afraid an autopsy would show their faces in the eyes of the dead, and the bodies' vocal cords might still contain the sounds of their names. 

HE GOT SQUASHED BY THE PRUDE PATROL

Robert Pamplona, a 31-year-old male stripper, suffered a broken nose and lacerations after entering the wrong hotel room in Milan, Italy. Intending to do his act for a party in one of the rooms, Mr. Pamplona instead found himself at a meeting of Catholic Mothers Against Pornography, who at the moment he entered were at the top of their rally.         

LADIES, WOULD YOU RATHER KISS A SMOKER OR A CHEWER?

Richard Joshua Reynolds, founder of the huge cigarette manufacturing company R.J. Reynolds, never smoked. In fact, he disliked the smell of cigarettes so much he forbid their use in his home. (He did chew tobacco, however, and filled many a spittoon.) 

NOTHING LIKE A NICE "HOT" MEAL

After Zambia received 2,800 cans of donated meat from Czechoslovakia, tests found it was radioactive, so authorities buried the entire shipment twenty feet underground, then covered it with a concrete slab. Not to be stopped, hungry Zambians used pick axes and any crude tools on hand to dig up the contaminated meat and eat it, every bit and gristle. Scavenger Mubita Sililo, speaking on behalf of his family, said, "(This meat) is the best we have had since we married."

 YOU CAN BET SHE RUINED THE MOWER, TOO

Seventy-nine-year-old Maxine Anne Kegerreis shouldn't have mowed her lawn and walked her dog at the same time. After the animal's chain became tangled, Mrs. Kegerreis tried to back up her riding mower, became confused, and drove into the swimming pool. There, she and her tethered dog both drowned.

BUTTER FINGERS!

While a minor painting job took place inside the nuclear sub U.S.S. Swordfish, a sailor accidentally dropped a 75-cent paint scraper inside a torpedo launcher. This forced cancellation of an upcoming mission, and the sub had to be repaired in dry-dock, costing U.S. taxpayers $171,000.

NO WAY TO SOLVE A MARRIAGE DISPUTE

In the Sokoto State of Nigeria, in December of 1986, a 40-year-old herdsman was having a problem. His 12-year-old wife kept running away. So he did the one thing he knew would stop her. He cut off both her legs. She died from shock and blood loss, and later he was sentenced to life in prison.

WAS HE TRYING TO ENSURE NO HITTING BELOW THE BELT?

According to Reader's Digest, when boxer Richard Proctor jumped into the ring at the World Sporting Club in London and removed his robe, it caused a round of thunderous applause from the fans. That's when Proctor realized he forgot to put on his boxing trunks.

WONDER IF MONASTERIES RENTED SINNERS BOWLING SHOES

History records indicate bowling started around 300 A.D. at German monasteries. The monks had churchgoers knock down a bottle-shaped object called a kegel with a rolled ball to show their devotion to God. The kegel meant the devil, and knocking it over gave complete absolution from sin.

THEY SHOULD FINE THIS GUY FOR LITTERING

Police records in Manchester, England, contain a report on an Asian man working as a cab driver in their town who decided to commit suicide in a work related way. First he tied a rope to a lamppost, then tied the other end of rope around his neck. Then he got into his Toyota Carina cab and drove away. Several hours later security guards found his body inside the wrecked cab, his head back alongside the road several meters. 

THESE SALMON NEEDED A BETTER TRAVEL AGENT

Wildlife researchers in Wales were studying the migratory habits of salmon with a microchip tagging tracer in 1993, when one fish apparently climbed up a riverbank and left on dry land. The salmon was soon found resting on a kitchen table along with two others inside the home of Paul Williams, who game wardens immediately arrested for poaching. 

THAT'D BE 40,000 PENNIES IN GUM BALL CURRENCY

Gregory Ross, 25, of Portsmouth, Rhode Island, accused of robbing vending machines, posted his $400 bond with 1,600 quarters.

WENT FISHING AND CAUGHT HIS OWN WEIGHT IN HIMSELF 

Felipe Ortiz, a forty-eight year-old Colombian, shouldn't have gone fishing on such a windy day, or at least he shouldn't have thrown his lure in the direction of the 30-mile-per-hour wind. This caused his multi-hooked lure to be blown back into his open mouth, where it lodged in his throat. His fishing buddies could do nothing to help, so Mr. Ortiz gagged loudly for several minutes, then turned blue and fell dead.

THIS JURY GOT "A GAG-ORDER" BUT NOT FROM THE JUDGE

Ned Lowenbach was a real stinker during his 1988 theft trial in Tuolumne County, California. After the trial and guilty verdict, even his attorney admitted his client had made things worse: "He farted about one hundred times," then added, "He even lifted his leg a few times."

THEY HAD HIM IN STITCHES

Danny Wilson burst into a jewelry store in Berkshire, England, in March of 1992, and tied up two staff members. Problem was, he didn't tie them well enough and they got loose. That's when they beat Mr. Wilson so badly he required 52 stitches at a hospital. Later, he also received a four-and-one-half year prison sentence.

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IT BECAME A STRIPPED-DOWN MODEL, ACCIDENTALLY

Six Baltimore firefighters, defying a forty-year tradition of washing fire trucks by hand, took Aerial Tower 122, a forty-foot-long totally equipped, state-of-the-art fire engine through the washing system used for city busses. The truck got stuck and the cleaning brushes did $10,000 in damages, as they tore off hydraulic lines, knocked off equipment and damaged the basket used to lift firefighters.

HE WAS A WELL GROUNDED INDIVIDUAL

Lawrence Baker, 47, was convicted of murder in 1983. On appeals, he managed to avoid death by electrocution for 10 years. But one day inside a Pittsburgh jail cell, Mr. Lawrence made the mistake of wearing a set of faulty TV headphones, then sitting down on his cell's lidless stainless steel commode. The autopsy made notation of the large horse-shoe-shaped burn on the corpse's thighs and buttocks. 

IF THEY ONLY HAD SOME SUPER GLUE

Eric Rabkin, in his book It's a Gas, writes the Canelos Indians of Ecuador "are particularly scared by their flatulencies because they believe the soul escapes the body along with the smell."

WHAT A GREAT EGO DEFLATOR                            

In June of 1994, while British Home Security Chief Michael Howard attended a meeting of police chiefs in North Yorkshire, England, thieves stole his specially designed bulletproof car. It was later recovered with all four wheels missing.

CAN'T BEAT THE SETTLEMENT HE TOOK FROM A BEATING

Walter Debow won a $3.4 million lawsuit against the city of East Louis, Illinois, for a wrongful beating he received in that city's jail. But since the city was bankrupt, instead of money he received the title to the city's main municipal building and its 220 acre industrial park.

GREAT TIME TO "LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG: 

In September of 2005, the Hindustan Times reported the city of New Delhi retained and paid for the services of 97 rat catchers, who have not reported killing any rat since 1994. 

MOTHER-DAUGHTER CO-DEPENDENCY            

Marlene Corrigan was a good provider for her daughter. In fact, too good. She fed her all the food she could eat. On November 13, 1996, at age 13, the girl died naked under a sheet on their living room floor, weighing 680 lbs. Her brother said his sister had been unable to get up from the floor for several months; her urine and defecation remains easily verified that.

THY SHALL NOT TELL A LIE

Norman Hardy, Jr., age 23, was an overly honest man. Seems he just couldn't help himself. Arrested for possession of cocaine in Brattleboro, Vermont, he was required to fill out a form in order for the court to provide him with free legal council. Filling out the application, he wrote under Occupation: Drug Dealer.

WHO'S A NUT CASE? HE'S A NUT CASE

Dr. Oscar Dominguez, 45, a psychiatrist in Sao Paulo, Brazil, admitted he shot his patient to death while she told him about her sex life. He told the court, "I couldn't take those nut cases anymore."

HIS LOVE WAS MEANT TO BE

Mike Desautelle loved his Harley Davidson motorcycle. When it was stolen in May of 1992, it broke his heart. But not for long. Driving down New Jersey's Garden State Park in August he saw his bike, and followed it to Nanuett. There he approached the thief and offered him $10,000 for his Harley, but insisted on a test drive first. Desautelle then rode the bike directly to police, who soon arrested Christopher Brown, still waiting on "his" bike's return.

WONDER HOW THEY FELT ABOUT PUSSY WILLOWS?         

For a while around 1900, certain shipments of California oranges to Boston, Massachusetts, were refused because of their name, naval oranges. That city felt the word 'naval' was both indelicate and immodest. 

ONE QUESTION: WHO CARES?

Dr. Michael Levitt of Minneapolis, Minnesota, announced he'd invented a breathalyzer-type test which can measure a persons "need" to release flatulence by the levels of hydrogen in their breath. Upon hearing this news, Jeffrey Kluger, writing for Discovery magazine, said "If Dr. Levitt is checking his patients' breath for flatulence, I wouldn't bother asking how he might conduct dental work." 

UNDERSTANDING, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EXPRESSION OF LOVE

Withholding names out of respect, Paul Harvey on ABC Radio News, tells of an elderly man who went to collect his newspaper in the rain, but fell to the ground, unable to rise back to his feet. His aged wife, not able to get him back inside, wanted to call 911, but he stopped her, saying "No, this is the place." Knowingly, his wife went back inside, retrieved blankets to cover them both, then she lay down beside him in the rain for two, three, maybe four days? She didn't know. Time for her ceased to be. She only remembers holding him in her arms until he took his last breath.

HE GOT ALL CHOKED UP OVER A RUBBER GLOVE

Gary Harmon, age 47, had surgery to his upper chest and spent nine days in St. Joseph Mercy-Oakland Hospital in Pontiac, Michigan, before his release on September 10, 1997. But after a night at home, he began having breathing difficulties, saying he felt he had to cough up something, but couldn't. Two hours later, back at the same hospital, Mr. Harmon died. That's when they discovered he had choked to death on a forgotten rubber surgical glove. 

SENT TO JAIL TO MELLOW OVER YELLOW 

Roy Phillips loved the color yellow. When he was arrested on shoplifting charges in Oldham, England, in October of 1980, he was wearing a yellow parka, yellow pants, yellow shirt, and yellow tie. Inside his stash-bag, the stolen goods recovered were all yellow, such as mustard, cheese, candy, socks and drawers.

WAIT A MINUTE!  ALL THIS PROVES IS, HE MAY BE A FORGER 

While Michael Blumenthal was Treasury Secretary in 1979, he found himself in an embarrassing position after dinner at one of San Francisco's fanciest restaurants, Beethoven's. His Visa card had expired, and the restaurant required additional identification to cash a personal check. That was no problem for Mr. Blumenthal. He simply asked management to compare the signature on his check to the signature on a recently printed $1 bill. They did. It matched. He was out of there. 

"ROBBING PETER TO PAY PAUL" WOULDN'T WORK HERE                      

After New York state lawmakers proposed making prison inmates pay state tax on all commissary purchases, officials pointed out although it would generate $520,000 yearly, hiring clerks for each of the state's 68 prisons would cost $1.5 million.

THERE'S NOTHING LIKE BREWING ONE'S SELF A CUP OF TEA 

Soon after taking off from Riyadh on August 19, 1980, a Saudi Arabian Airline commercial jet's main cabin filled with smoke, so the pilot returned and landed. Come to find out, one of the pilgrim passengers had tried to brew himself a cup of tea, on a kerosene stove. The pilot's only mistake was not letting the passengers immediately leave the plane. In only minutes the flames engulfed the entire cabin, burning all 285 passengers to death. 

ALL THIS HAPPENED DURING JUST A 9-YEAR SPAN

Mecca in Saudi Arabia is the Holiest of Holy cities to devout Muslims. Yearly, literally millions of worshippers crowd its streets from over 100 countries during the hajj of Ramadan, hoping to assure themselves a better chance of going to Heaven. And some go immediately. For instance: (1) On July 2, 1990, 1,426 pilgrims were crushed in a tunnel stampede in Mecca. (2) On May 23, 1994, 270 pilgrims died in a stampede during a 'stone the Devil' ritual in Mecca. (3) On April 15, 1997, 343 pilgrims died when a fire destroyed 70,000 tents in Mecca. (4) On April 9, 1998, 118 pilgrims died in a stampede in Mecca. 

YOUR UNDERWEIGHT FRIENDS MIGHT LOOK DOWN ON YOU 

William A. Calderwood of Peoria, Arizona, received a patent in 1989 for his helium-filled furniture. When not in use, the pieces float to the ceiling. When needed, they are pulled down and anchored.

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GOOD THING. IF HE'D CROSSED HIS EYES HE MIGHT'VE GONE BLIND

Baseball player Jamie Allen, whose professional career was riddled with injuries, was out of action again at the Seattle Mariners' 2004 spring camp, after crossing his legs while watching television, pulling a groin muscle. 

IF SHE'D ONLY ACTED THE WAY SHE ACTED

Sixteen-year-old Chantelle Bleau was a church choir girl touring Bradford, West Yorkshire, performing in an anti-drugs play, Deadly Deals, when she suddenly died. At the time of her death she was sniffing gas lighter fuel at a friend's house.

PERHAPS SOMEONE WAS JEALOUS OF HIS INTELLIGENCE? 

Swiss mathematician Johann Underwald was considered the smartest of the smartest, often compared to Albert Einstein That makes it even harder to figure out why in October of 1999, he bungee jumped using a 300-foot bungee cord, for a drop of only 250-feet? He, of course, died instantly.

PROBABLY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO SEE IT COMING                 

A seventy-two year old woman, Joan Davies, of Little Chalfont, Buckinghamshire, England, slipped in her bathroom and impaled herself on the upright handle of her commode-cleaning brush. Entering through an eye, it continued 7-inches into the brain, killing her instantly.

HOW ABOUT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR ONE WHO CAN'T?

In Narooma, Australia, 16-year-old Gregory Hammond, who was born with only one hand, finished second in a men's 100-meter swim race. That is until officials checked their international rules book. That's when they declared he had not won any place in the race because the rules firmly stated participants must touch the ends of the pool with both hands.

HE PROBABLY WIPED DROOL FROM HIS CHIN AS WELL

A young woman in Marina del Ray, California, wrote a check at a clothier store and was asked for her identification. She explained her purse (with all her identification) had been stolen earlier in the day, but she was the centerfold in May's Playboy magazine. After the clerk pulled out his copy, and examined the double-page nude likeness, he sacked the young woman's purchase and helped her out the door. 

PROBABLY PARKED HIS CAR IN A HANDICAPPED GETAWAY SPACE

Security guards ignored the ringing of metal detectors while helping a man on metal crutches inside a Florence, Italy, bank. That's where the "disabled" man threw his crutches aside, pulled a gun, then escaped with the equivalent of $40,000 cash.

IT BECAME HER STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, THE HARD WAY

Emma Nishala, 35, probably died the most unusual death in modern times. While riding up an escalator in a New York City office building, the step gave way, and she was swallowed by the machinery underneath.

SPLEEN THAT BECAME A CASH COW

The California Supreme Court ruled cancer patient John Moore was entitled to profit from his enlarged, cancerous spleen, which had been removed by surgeons. After the operation, doctors used the spleen to develop anticancer drugs, and Moore wanted part of the profits, estimated to be around $3 billion. (The amount Moore received was not disclosed.)

ESPECIALLY IF SHE SMELLS LIKE MONEY

Scientists at Rutgers University used 300 students to sniff the underarm smells of 30 volunteers (from Infants to women in their 70s). The evaluation of the study concluded the smell most favored by all is the smell of an older woman. (Smells from young men were the most off-putting.) 

SHE FELL IN LOVE, THEN TRIPPED TO HER DEATH

Pictures taken just before the wedding began for bride Belinda Street of Adelaide, Australia, show her smiling and wearing her beautiful, long white wedding gown. The next pictures taken are of her inside her coffin. Poor Belinda tripped on the hem of that wedding gown and hit her head on the corner of a coffee table, causing her death. 

NO GAIN FROM NAME CHANGE

Terril William Clark was so tired of being a nobody, he legally changed his name to God, and wrote a book, which did not sell. When asked why, while shrugging his shoulders, Mr. God replied,"The last book with my name is still a bestseller."

WELL, THIS BEATS A MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE                            

Fortune magazine reported, in 1988, some employees of Merrill Lynch's New York office had such poor interoffice mail service they actually found it faster to send their in-house mail via Federal Express. Fortune reported, "Memos were whisked from floor to floor via Memphis, Tennessee."

THIS CROOK LITERALLY RAN OUT OF LUCK

In August of 1992, James Cunningham mugged a woman in Queens, New York, knocked her down, stole her purse and left her helpless with cuts and bruises. After running a few blocks with the stolen purse in hand, the thief was extremely surprised to hear feet pounding the pavement directly behind him, and a voice saying, "I can run like this all day." He was then mugged by a good Samaritan, and marathon runner, Bruce Benzne.

HOW ONE ACT OF COMPASSION COST MILLIONS OF LIVES

On September 28, 1918, on the French battlefield of Marcoing, Private Henry Tandey pointed his bolt-action rifle pointblank at a German corporal and prepared to pull the trigger. That is until he noticed the corporal was already wounded, so he lowered his gun and walked away. That German soldier, which Private Tandey let live, was Adolph Hitler.

CHANGES "HAIL MARY" TO "HELL MARY"

Michael Turner got 30 years in a Maryland prison for misusing a religious object. While living with his mother in Annapolis, he'd taken her car without permission, and she became angry. This caused him to beat her to death with a statue of the Virgin Mary.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME

When Yitzhak Krasiltchik left the Soviet Union for migration to Israel and landed at Ben Gurion Airport in Jerusalem, he became the 100,000th immigrant. The 87-year-old man and his family were then whisked off the runway in a limousine to a "welcome party" at the airport lounge. Later, after the party was over, and all the dignitaries and well-wishers had left, the Krasiltchiks discovered they had missed the bus to their new home in the Negev Desert. Then they realized they were the only ones left at the airport, had no way to leave, and no place to stay.

WATERMELONS ARE SAFE UNTIL THEY USE GROCERY CARTS

According to The Edge, wild monkeys in Tokyo are swarming into apple orchards and stealing a sizable amount of the crops. Some are so at home on city streets, they bring their own discarded plastic grocery bags for speed shopping. 

WONDER IF HE RELOADED FOR CHRISTENING OF THEIR FIRST BORN?

A celebrant at a wedding in Sudan brought all festivities to a halt. Meaning to fire his AK-47 into the air, he lost his balance on the camel he was riding and sprayed the jubilant crowd, killing three.

BETTER THAN WHAT THEY PROBABLY STEPPED IN BECAUSE OF HORSES

When Charles the First of England (1600-49) increased the size of London's police force, more men were hired than there were horses available. These policemen, the one's that had to walk, were branded "Charley's" policemen. That's where the jokes started about foot blisters and sore legs, including a "charlie horse" of the leg. 

PERHAPS HE ONCE SAW A SHIRT WITH A BULL ON IT?

A Washington, D.C., man was indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of committing five bank robberies. A common link in three of the robberies were notes asking for the money, then ending with the word "bullshirt."

THAT'S WHAT HE GETS FOR THINKING WITH THE WRONG BODY PART 

Twenty-year-old Emilio Garcia's first mistake was to date a married woman. His second was to make love to her in her own home, in her upstairs bedroom. His third was to jump naked from that bedroom window as her husband entered the front door. His fifth, final and worst decision was where he had parked his bike upon arrival. Falling from that window, he impaled himself on his own handlebars.

DARNED OLD CONSTITUENTS CAN GET IN THE WAY

Here is a jewel of a quote from the mouth of Bill Craven, Republican State senator in California: "If we don't watch our respective tails, the people are going to be running this government."

AH, BALONEY!

In August of 1992, Rudy Buckmeister, a storekeeper in Graz, Austria, was robbed of the equivalent of $1,600, after being beaten up with a ten-pound sausage. "It felt like a baseball bat", he told police. 

THEY SHOULD'VE SAID INSIDE A KNEE-DEEP CITY SEWAGE TANK                          

More than 500 people mobbed the Ft. Worth Texas Central Library, throwing books from the shelves, all because local radio station KYNG-FM claimed they'd hidden $5 and $10 bills between the pages of the books there. This assault of people knocked books from the shelves, leaving many with ripped spines and torn pages. The station apologized, saying they had only tried to give added inspiration to National Library Month.

HE THEN AUTOMATICALLY BECAME "MR. JAILBIRD" 

Like many last names such as "Wise"-"Taylor"-"French" and "Hooker", the persons who possess these names seldom match their implications. For instance, in November of 1994 a thief in Wellington, New Zealand, didn't live up to his name when he stole a car, then went to sleep behind the wheel. His name: Peter Wideawake. 

THEY MUST'VE DECIDED TO TAKE THE SAME FLIGHT TO HEAVEN?

Catherine Whisker was being driven by her son, Paul, behind an ambulance carrying her husband, Lester, who'd had a heart attack, when she too had a heart attack. The couple were each admitted to the emergency unit, where they died within five minutes of each other. 

PURITANS WERE A SEXY BUNCH OF PEOPLE? 

One of the main topics at Puritan town meetings was often sex. In fact, one husband who had refused to have sexual intercourse with his wife for over a year, was kicked out of the church. Also back then, with the living quarters inside cabins providing little privacy, children learned about sex just by keeping their ears open late at night in the dark.

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THEY SHOULD'VE FED-EXED THEIR NEW ITINERARY                            

The German Federal Prosecutors' office received on March 3rd a letter dated March 2nd from the Red Army terrorists group taking responsibility for the March 3rd assassination of Agriculture Minister Ignaz Kiechle. On March 4th that same office received another letter, dated March 3rd, explaining the "hit" letter had been mailed just before the assassination was called off. They had made a mistake.

AT THAT RATE, SOMEDAY THEY MAY THROW PRISON FOOD

Burglars broke into a primary school in Rochdale, England, but stole absolutely nothing. What they broke into, to be more exactly, was that school's cafeteria. They removed all food from the refrigerators and had a $3,200 food fight.

HOPEFULLY THEY SAW THEIR ERROR AFTER THAT 

In 1999 the Texas Commission for the Blind lost a lawsuit and had to pay two of their blind employees $55,000 for not providing Braille and large-type employee manuals for their own visually impaired workers.

JUST FOR FUN: THREE POLITICAL QUOTES

(1) George W. Bush: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" (2) Mayor Frank Rizzo, of Philadelphia: "The streets are safe in Philadelphia; it's only the people who make them unsafe." (3) Senator Jesse Helms: "Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands."

DID YOU PARTY ANIMALS OVERLOOK THIS SALE?

Steve Blow's column in the Dallas Morning News February 6, 2004, told his readers of a "ponzi scheme" which, after collapsing, left 73,000 liters of cheap corn vodka and 7 million condoms in a panama warehouse with no buyers.

HIS BIG BANG THEORY WAS MIS-DIRECTED

In June of 1987 a burglar tried to blow open a safe inside an office in Munkebo, Denmark. The explosive, placed in the wrong position, destroyed the entire building, but left the safe only scorched.

YOUR TAX DOLLARS STILL SUPPORT TOBACCO GROWERS                            

At the start of World War II President Franklin D. Roosevelt declared tobacco to be an essential crop, and those who grew it were exempted from fighting.

BUT WOULDN'T THAT CAUSE THE COW'S CREAM TO CURDLE?

"Cow-tipping" is the so-called art of pushing over a sleeping cow with one finger. The theory being, a sleeping cow is helplessly top heavy and will fall over at a simple forceful touch. Not true, according to the University of British Columbia. Their experiment, using an average-size cow and many, many human fingers, concluded it would take at least 5 humans, two hands each, each hand having 5 fingers, totaling fifty fingers forcing to force a cow to fall. (Forget it!) 

THEY HAVE KEYSTONE COPS IN THE UK, TOO

Nine British police officers in Coventry, England, squeezed into an elevator made for eight, causing it to stall between floors. A resident of the building, Eddie Laidle, heard their shouts for help and hollered to them he would call police. To that they shouted back, "We are the bloody police! Call the fire brigade!"

THEY STOLE SAFES SUCCESSFULLY      

In March of 1994, thieves near Bristol, England, entered a safe warehouse and stole 13 empty safes.

THIS VICTIM REFUSED TO COLLECT $32,000! 

A thief broke into a car in Milan, Italy, in January of 1994, and stole a suitcase. Unfortunate for the thief, in haste he let a lotto ticket fall from his pocket worth $32,000. But the owner of the car, saying gambling was against his belief, refused to cash the winning ticket. 

THE WAY IT REALLY WAS

According to most history books Charles Lindbergh was the first person to fly across the Atlantic Ocean nonstop. In truth, the first nonstop flight was made by William Alcock and Arthur Brown in 1919. Lindbergh began his flight on May 20, 1927, and landed 34 hours later at Le Bourget Field in Paris, to become the 67th person to cross flying a plane. His flight became more famous than the others because he flew solo.

DUH! 

During the first year of operation on the 164-mile expressway between Beijing and Shijiazhuang, 404 people were killed and 1,028 were injured in traffic accidents. Authorities blamed the high fatality rate on a middle lane that allows cars to pass in both directions, causing many head-on collisions.

LET'S HOPE THEY NEVER LOSE THOSE FISHING POLES AT GUNPOINT

In Kennesaw, Georgia, north of Atlanta, a 1982 ordinance requires all able-bodied residents to have a gun and ammunition. The city council of the neighboring town, Acworth, Georgia, responded by passing an ordinance requiring all households to own fishing poles.

HE SHOULD'VE ROBBED THE TREASURY, THEN PARDONED HIMSELF 

David Rice Atchison (1807-1886), 12th U.S. president, held office for one day only. Why? A very religious Zackary Taylor refused to take his oath of office on Sunday, and James K. Polk, the 11th president, was by then a common citizen. Therefore, Atchison, President Pro Tempore of the US. Senate, filled the vacancy until Monday, March 5, 1849. 

WHY?

Edward VII (1841-1910) received a one-of-a-kind gift from an admirer, an Indian maharajah. It was a golf bag made from an elephant's penis.

THIS WAS HER LUCKY DAY, NOT

In 1985 Californian Donna Lee Sobb won $100, which qualified her as a finalist for a $2,000,000 lotto jackpot. But after her photo appeared as a finalist, she was arrested on an outstanding shoplifting warrant. 

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WHAT A KIND AND SAINTLY RULER

Shah Jahan (1628-68) had built, then dedicated to his favorite wife, Mumtaz Mahal, the glorious Taj Mahal, one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World. Known for his generosity, Jahan would sit, yearly, on a public scale and pay the peasants his total body weight in golden coins.

AN EXAMPLE OF DEDICATION TO CAUSE

Juan Lopez escaped from a Mexican prison in 1996 after six years of pouring each meal's acidic salsa on the bars of his cell window.

SOMETHING TO MAKE YOUR SKIN BAGGY

About ten percent of the world's population carries the bacterium streptococcus A.  For reasons not understood by the medical community, occasionally it develops into necrotizing fasciitis, known as the "flesh-eater disease." In reality it destroys fat beneath the skin, and may advance at a rate of several inches per hour.

STINKING BILL COLLECTORS

A London bill collection agency, Smelly Tramps, LTD., sends out foul smelling bums to sit in the offices of those with unpaid bills. The stinky chemicals they wear on their bodies makes the air virtually unbreathable in only a few minutes. They also advertise a successful collection rate of around ninety percent.

AT LEAST HE DIDN'T ASK FOR THEIR BRAS TO HAUL HIS FRUIT

In June of 1995 John Mulder was detained by police in Rotterdam, Holland, for standing on a street asking women for their panty hose, which he said could be used as a fan belt on his car.  Upon questioning, it was determined Mr. Mulder had no car.

THESE GUYS WERE DEFINITELY IN THE WRONG LINE OF BUSINESS 

At the end of a funeral in Vallejo, California, cemetery employees discovered the grave was too narrow for the coffin to be lowered flat, so they turned it sideways, until the cries of the mourners stopped them.  Next they tried to remove the coffin's handles, to no avail.  And, last, they jumped up-and-down on the wedged container until its lid broke, damaging the corpse and stopping the burial. 

FINAL SCORE: GOLDFARB - 0  GOD - 1

Jason Goldfarb, 17, a junior at Nashoba Regional High School in Massachusetts, climbed to the top of a goal post on the school's football field, and placed a wreath in memory of two classmates killed two days earlier in a car wreck.  As Goldfarb placed the memorial, and looked skyward in prayer, the five-hundred-pound goal post fell forward, crushing him to death.

HER KNOCKING-DOOR-KNUCKLES WERE SOUNDLY CALLOUSED

The Girl Scouts, founded by Juliette Low in 1912, is known for their cookie sales, which even back in 1990 sold 130 million boxes, grossing $225 million. The most cookies ever sold by one person was by Markita Andrews, who sold 60,000 boxes during her twelve years as a Girl Scout. 

NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!

A zoo owner in Caviha, Portugal, dressed his own children to look like monkeys and kept them in a cage labeled "rare Sumatran orangutans". He was arrested and taken away in September of 1994.

WHY NOT?

From Ohio - Noting the Toledo Express Airport was buying homes near its runways because the jet noise exceeded government standards, Mayor Carty Finkbelner suggested the homes be sold at a discount to the hearing impaired.

GOOD THING HE WASN'T TRYING TO BECOME A RABBI ON FRIDAY 

Popes of the Roman Catholic Church traditionally began selecting their own papal names upon election around 844 A.D.  The first known "personally selected" name was Sergious II, whose real name was Boca de Porco (Pig's Mouth). 

PERHAPS SHE THOUGHT THE FIRST TIME WAS DANCING?

The Dallas Morning News reported in November of 2005 that the leader of a storefront ministry in Ft. Worth, Leonard Ray Owens, 63, had been arrested after a female believer charged him with raping her at his home... then raping her again, about a month later, after inviting her again into his home.

NO STOCK OPTIONS? NO 401K? NO GOLDEN PARACHUTE?

The famous Pony Express lasted about 18 months, during 1860-61.  Back then it was relatively expensive to send a letter to California ($5, later dropping to $1).  And it was very dangerous for the riders, mostly teenagers, as evidenced by this want ad for riders - "Wanted: Young skinny wiry fellows, not over 18. Must be expert riders willing to risk life daily. Orphans preferred."

THAT'S GREAT. THEY'LL BE ABLE TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA

When officials in Wellington, New Zealand, applied for a permit to build a new jail, the city's new building code required all persons (which automatically included prisoners) to have access to an exit in case of fire.  "Which means if you put a prisoner behind bars," Regional Commander Murry Jackson said, "you have to give them the key to get out."

THEY COULD'VE SAT ON THE BOXES AND HAD BREAKFAST

At 3:30 am on an August morning in 1995, in Wellington, New Zealand, a 19-year-old man jumped inside an idling milk truck and drove away.  Speeding around a corner, the thief ran straight into a bread van.  Upon arriving at the scene, a policeman reported, "There was milk, yogurt, cheese, bread and boxes all over the place."

HIS TIP-TOE-THROUGH-THE-TULIPS WAS CRAZY

Turkish Sultan Ahmed III (1703-30) became obsessed with tulips.  He imported 1,200 different rare bulbs from Mongolia for his gardens, and guests were forbidden from wearing any color clothing which didn't match his tulips on the penalty of death.

PERHAPS THE TERM "KISS MY ..." STARTED HERE?

The part of the body kissed during the Middle Ages depended on one's status. Generally, an equal received a kiss on the lips. A superior the hand, knee or feet, depending on how superior they were. The lower the inferior person, the less they were kissed.

WATCH WHO YOU HANG OUT WITH (OR ARE CONNECTED TO)

Judge Juan Flores sentenced Jose Lopez of Villarrica, Paraguay, to die for first degree murder with a shotgun, even though it meant his Siamese twin brother Alfredo, joined at his side, would also die for the crime he tried to stop his brother from committing.

BUT THIS TAKES ALL THE FUN OUT OF BEING A PERVERT!

News of the Weird reported, in November of 2005, that Britain's Anne Summers lingerie store chain added a feature to its dressing rooms. Peepholes were drilled so women could show off for their companions.

CRIMINALS GAVE THE "THUMBS UP" ON THIS IDEA

A pension fraud was uncovered by Malaysian officials in 1982 which involved 564 people of Indian descent, who were receiving retirement checks after returning to their homes in India. These 564 pension receivers had all died of natural causes or been murdered. All criminals needed were their thumb prints, which the Malaysian pension authorities used for identification. These thumbs, cut from the deceased and embalmed, were used over and over, costing that government at least $400,000 per year. 

ALL CREATURES HAVE A BUILT-IN COMPASS; HUMANS IGNORE THEIRS

Behaviorists studying ant farms say their funeral processions always carry the dead to the Northeast most corner. Even if the farm is turned often, they still leave their dead in the same direction. It is not known why.

POLITICIANS TODAY FLIP-FLOP ON ISSUES, BUT ABE...                       

Why do some photographs of Abraham Lincoln show his mole on the right side of his face? Full-length photos taken while he ran for the presidency were used over-and-over, only replacing the face. When his body posture did not match the gaze or direction, the negative of the head was "flipped."

ONLY THING ON HIS MENU WAS GRAVEYARD STEW                        

In June of 1998, a male passenger flying on a United Emirates Airways jet suddenly died of a heart attack. After the plane landed, several passengers complained because the man's body had been allowed to remain in its seat for the rest of the flight. One passenger told the South China Morning Post, "A lot of people were put off their food."

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THESE SUPPORTERS WANTED CHECKS FOR ATHLETIC SUPPORTERS  

The Dallas Morning News reported the fathers of two girls playing on a soccer team in Denton, Texas, became angry because their team was losing badly, and demanded the gender of two of the other team's players (age 10) be physically examined. (The fathers were suspended as spectators for the rest of the season.)  

ALL THAT JAW BONING FOR NOTHING

In September 1995, three teenage boys were arrested for killing an elderly man in Kiev, Ukraine. According to police, the young men killed, then sawed off the victim's lower jaw to steal the gold fillings from his teeth. But when it was discovered the "gold" was only cheap metal, they threw the jaw back on the corpse.

HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE TO JAW ABOUT

Even though he was known as a life-long glutton, during his last years, French King Louis XIV (1638-1715) had trouble getting food into his mouth. When doctors removed several of his rotting teeth, they accidentally broke his lower jaw, leaving it deformed.

AT LEAST SHE WOULDN'T NEED TO FEED IT 

An elderly bird lover living in Reading, England, called the RSPCA inspectors saying she had found a rare baby owl. When they arrived at her home to see the bird, the nearsighted granny thrust out her arms and opened her hands to share a very fuzzy purple bath sponge. 

NOT A GOOD WAY TO "CUT THROUGH TRAFFIC"

Even though Kenneth Worles' driver's license had been suspended six times, he didn't let that stand in his way. Naples Florida police arrested him again for drunk driving, when he ran a red light at a busy intersection, riding his ten-horsepower lawn mower.

TOO BAD HE WAS NOT AS "TWO-FACED" AS HIS DETRACTORS THOUGHT  

Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico (1832-67) was assassinated by a band of Mexican bandits on the side of a hill in 1867. His last request had been that his executioners take careful aim straight at his heart so that he may die with dignity. However, the "marksmen" were not very accurate and most of his face was blown away. (And parts of his body were auctioned off to souvenir-hunters.)

WELL, AT LEAST SOMEBODY WENT TO JAIL

In December 1993 Scott Plumley told Pensacola, Florida, authorities they should shut down a neighborhood drug house, but they claimed not enough evidence. This angered Mr. Plumley so much he stormed down the street, bought a bag of marijuana, then called police. And when the police arrived, Mr. Plumley was arrested, drugs in hand, and charged with possession of a controlled substance.

THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED "MONKEYING AROUND"

In 1985 British zoos stopped training chimpanzees to mimic humans at tea parties, which they had been doing for years to entertain visitors. Researchers said the chimps were losing their own identities so completely they had given up sex, and the zoos were running low on their kind. (We're British. No sex, please!)  

HE BECAME A LARGER BUST SIZE!

Sandi Canesco, 26, of Sydney, Australia, was suddenly widowed when her husband, Dustin, was killed in a car crash. Saying she wanted her husband to always be near her heart, she had his ashes sewn into her breast implants.

THIS GUY MUST'VE LOOKED AT HER REALLY LECHEROUSLY?    

Greg Bonnet sued the Barnet Motor Inn in Vancouver, Canada, after having his nose broken while watching an act performed in their club. Mr. Bonnet had been seated near the stage, looking up, as a young stripper twirled around a pole … when her foot caught him square in his face. (Ouch!) 

IF HIS MANY MOVES MANIFESTED THIS OFTEN...

In March of 1987, after stealing from his employer for several years (Houston's Jefferson Davis Hospital), Edward Williams was sentenced to 10 years probation and ordered to pay a $10,000 fine. He had been accused of stealing only one type of item, toilet paper. How much toilet paper? 79,680 rolls. 

AND WHAT A SCOUNDREL THIS CROOK WAS!

In May of 1995, Patricia Wakelin of Westbury-on-Trym, England, ran an ad to sell her Ford Fiesta. When David Brice, 28, came to test drive it, he left his elderly grandmother with Ms. Wakelin to chat over tea.  But when Mr. Brice did not return in a timely manner, Ms. Wakelin learned from the older woman she was a resident of a nearby nursing home, and Mr. Brice, a total stranger, had invited her out for a sunny walk.

PERHAPS HE SHOULD'VE WORN A BLINDFOLD, THEN?

In October 1994 Armando Botalezzi, a thirty-two-year-old Italian, was rushed to hospital after attempting a "nose job" on himself with a pair of pliers and a kitchen knife. He told doctors it would have worked out okay, if he hadn't kept fainting at the sight of his own blood.

HE COULD STRENGTHEN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A TIRE PATCH 

Several neighbors living in an apartment building in Munich, Germany, became suspicious of a young bachelor they saw carrying what appeared to be an unconscious young woman into his apartment. When police arrived and knocked on the suspicious man's door, he immediately introduced them to his new love, an inflatable silicon sex doll. In fact, he introduced them to an entire apartment full of his inflatable harem. 

IT NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO BURN A HOLE IN THEIR POCKETS

In April 1991 thieves stole a safe from the office of a travel agency in Sydney, Australia. Using a blow torch to open it later, they totally incinerated the $72,000 inside. 

GRACELAND MANSION WAS HIS HEARTBREAK HOTEL

During the last years of rock legend Elvis Aaron Presley's (1935-1977) life, he developed a 4:30 AM eating binge habit. A typical meal would consist of three double-decker cheeseburgers and six or seven banana splits. Addled with his regular barbiturates and tranquilizers, it was often the job of his aids to run a finger down his throat to dislodge food, keeping him from choking to death.

APPARENTLY THEY'D NEVER HEARD OF A "PIDDLE-PAC"

Jacques Aube and Joseph Guy Lajoie, flying a helicopter from Canada to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, made an emergency landing on Flagler Beach, and were arrested by police. Why? The "emergency" was neither fuel nor mechanical, but personal. They had to relieve themselves, public beach or not. 

SHE WANTED TO WORK ON BOTH SIDES OF THE LAW        

The Dallas Morning News reported in November 2005 that Ernestina Garcia Guzman, 30, had applied for a job as a courtesy patrol officer at the Dallas County Sheriff's Department. Instead of a job, after a background check using both her married and maiden names, she was arrested on both an arson warrant out of New Mexico, and $1,600 in unpaid parking tickets in Mesquite, a suburb of Dallas.

PORTIONS OF THE BANGKOK PHONE DIRECTORY?

In October of 1993 the Bangkok Post reported phony physicians had performed at least 100 bogus penis enlargement operations in Thailand. Authorities said the "operations" involved injecting olive oil, chalk, or other available materials into a gullible patient's penis. An official at Chiang Mai hospital said he had even seen portions of the Bangkok phone directory dissolved inside some men's fifth appendage.

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FROM THE WHAT WAS SHE THINKING DEPARTMENT?

On November 2, 2005, the Dallas Morning News reported 41-year-old Evangeline Gonzalez had failed 2,953 times to pay fees to enter or leave DFW toll roads over a 20-month period. Had she paid the 40-to-75-cents each time she entered or exited at a toll booth, it would have cost her less than $1,900. But, with added fees, she owed the North Texas Turnpike Authority a whopping $76,039.

A ROUNDABOUT RESCUE

Stuck between floors on an elevator in a New Plymouth tax office on New Zealand's North Island, Bonnie Johnson used the emergency phone to call for help. But because of a thunderstorm, instead of her call going directly to the building's management or the local fire department, it was routed 500 miles to the South Island, where Joan Prankhurst, manager of the Southland Times, called authorities back on North Island to help the stranded woman.  

THESE GUYS ENDED UP "PLUCKING" THEMSELVES

Peruvian police arrested a gang of "poultry suppliers" attempting to smuggle ten kilos (22 pounds) of cocaine into prison inside 200 plucked chickens. 

WAS THIS GUY JUST TRYING HARD TO CLEAN UP HIS ACT?   

A Houston man was fined $10,000 and placed on ten years probation for stealing nearly 80,000 rolls of toilet paper from the Jefferson Davis Hospital.

THEY ALMOST HAD A PRE-COOKED MEAL

Electric power was cut to 5,000 San Francisco residents so a chicken could be rescued. Pranksters had caused it all by releasing a chicken with dozens of helium balloons attached to it. As the chicken rose, the balloons came in contact with high-power transmission lines, necessitating a power shut off for three hours to rescue the bird. (Taken to an animal shelter, the plump chicken was soon "adopted".)

HIS FORM OF GALLOWS LAUGHTER

"Warden, I'd like a little bicarb because I'm afraid I'm going to get gas on my stomach right now." These were the last words of murderer Charles de la Roi strapped inside a California gas chamber in 1946. 

HE'D BEEN ROCKING RIGHT ALONG UNTIL THE ATTACK

A 33-year-old man, walking along a canal in Solihull, England, in February of 1995, was assaulted and thrown into the drink by three men who stole his back pack. To their surprise, when they later opened the pack it was full of rocks. The victim of their crime had been using them as training weights. 

AND YOU THOUGHT TOO MANY PEOPLE RAN OVER YOU

Irish steel worker Bob Finnegan was crossing a Belfast street when he was knocked down by a taxi. As he lay on the road, another car ran over him, knocking him into the gutter. Then, as bystanders gathered, a small van plowed into the crowd, injuring three people, and hitting Finnegan again. When a fourth vehicle headed toward the crowd, they scattered and only Finnegan was hit. (Kinda' pitiful, ain't it?)

WHY NOT NEEDLES AND THREAD TO SEW THEIR MOUTHS, ALSO?                                

People living near Hong Kong stadium objected to a planned rock concert because of the noise. To please both the fans and the neighbors, the promoters handed out more than 17,500 pairs of gloves to those attending the concert... to muffle their applause.

THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF TAKING A BITE OUT OF CRIME  

In February 1996, 55-year-old laborer Maphupu Molatudi was sleeping in a hostel north of Johannesburg, South Africa, when he was awakened by a thief attempting to pry open his mouth to steal his false teeth. When Mr. Molatudi protested, the thief beat his face, jerked open his mouth, remove his teeth, then disappeared. 

WITH NO WINDSHIELD, WHERE'D HE PUT THE TICKET?

Robert McFarland and his horse, Charley Boy, were offering buggy rides to tourists in Skipton, a market town in England, when the 4-legged half of the partnership received a parking ticket. Under "description of vehicle", the policeman had written "brown horse."

HE HAD ABOUT ALL THE CRAP HE COULD TAKE

A man using an outhouse near Lawrence, Kansas, lost his footing while trying to retrieve his wallet, and fell through the toilet seat into the storage pit below. He was stuck there for seven hours in three foot deep human waste before being rescued. Douglas County Sheriff Loren Anderson said the man was unhurt "but in a pretty bad mood".

HE FIGURED (LIKE THAT OLD SONG) 'YOU GOTTA HAVE HEART'

At his trial in February 1992 the Milwaukee cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer, confessed to killing and eating 17 people. Evidence found in his apartment included several heads found in his refrigerator, skulls stored in a filing cabinet and body parts in a cooking pot. When a human heart was found frozen in the deep freeze, Dahmer explained, "I was saving it for later."

A CAMEL? THEY SHOULD'VE BEEN LAUGHING TOO HARD TO FIGHT 

Near the Somali border in northern Kenya, a public brawl occurred in March 1996 when a twenty-year-old man was accused of raping a camel. Seems the man's relatives, and friends of the camel's owner, took up opposite sides.

HE SHOULD BE HAPPY IF HIS DOG IS HALF AS STUPID AS HE 

A Louisiana dog owner, Chaddrick Dickson, decided to make his animal meaner by adding gun powder to his dog food. But while trying to pound the powder out of a .22-caliber bullet, Mr. Dickson caused the shell to explode, injuring himself.

A ROBBER WITH ENOUGH HEART TO START ANOTHER'S WORKING  

Thieves confronted Giuseppe Tomasello and a fellow worker leaving an office building in Milan, Italy, with their company's bank deposit. When told to surrender the money at gunpoint, Mr. Tomasello immediately collapsed to the ground with a heart attack. That's when one of the robbers fell to his knees and instantly began giving CPR. And would not stop, or leave the ill man, until sure he could breathe unaided. Then, and only then, took the 40 million lira (about $20,000) and ran.

THEY SHOULD'VE PRACTICED IN THEIR ROOMS ON THEMSELVES FIRST

Two men with pistols fired a total of twelve shots at each other, within only a few feet of each other, in the hallway of their Cleveland, Ohio, apartment.  But no one was injured. Police speculated the men, age 76 and 77, missed because one had glaucoma and the other had to prop himself up with a cane each time before firing.

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